Crush
by Sam the ham sandwich
Summary: You never realized how much you lost loving him. You cared about him instead of yourself. You lost yourself looking out for him, and you ended up with nothing. He killed you slowly, when you thought he would be the solution. You never learned. MattxReader


**Crush**

_by Repetative Redundancy_

You miss him. You know you do, but you don't want to. He was never nice to you, but he was never mean either. He was always indifferent. You've talked, but he's never said anything kind. You always smiled at him. You always offered to help him in everything, even if you knew he was capable of it himself. He never smiled back. He never accepted. He never cared.

Even though he never cared, you grew to care about him. You watched him as he played with his video games. You watched him talk to Mello. You watched him study. You watched him get addicted to smoking. You watched him slip away. You watched him decend into rebellion. You watched him change. You offered to help, the help he never realized he needed.

Mello never cared for you either. Although he did talk to other people, he found you annoying, and desperate. He saw you as just another orphan in the house. Unlike Matt however, he was always mean and sarcastic.

You could live without him though. You studied, and you received the rank of 15th best in the orphanage. It satisfied you, but it never interested Matt. You were never good enough.

Your heart broke when Matt ran off. You heard he went with Mello to solve the Kira case, which scared you even more. You knew he cared about Mello, but if he opened up to you he wouldn't be in this mess. You didn't blame him though. You didn't think it was the wrong descision. You know it was for L, right? What's wrong with avenging L? Nothing, but you're worried he might lose himself in the process.

You waited. You waited long and hard. You waited minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day for him to come back. You imagined him walking up that pathway, and into your room, but he never came. Your grades slipped, your smile faded, and your heart longed to see him again.

No one ever knew why you cared about him. No one realized how much you saw. No one wanted to see as you did. No one understood. You waited but you never cried.

One time you thought you really did see him, walking out in the pouring rain. Your heart lifted and you burst out the door. All the other children thought you were crazy. You didn't think you were. You screamed his name once you got out the door. You screamed as loud as you could, but your voice was washed away by the thunder, and the rain blurred your vision, and your mind.

Your feet splashed again the hard against the wet ground as you looked for him. He wasn't there. He never was. You cried his name one last time, and you fell. On the ground, you cried. You cried for the first time since he left. You cried because you felt a sudden pain in your chest that you couldn't make out. All the other children called your name, but you didn't respond. You needed him to save you.

Once Roger finally got you inside, he talked to you in his office. He had some news about Matt. You raised your head, and the dampness of your hair masked the tears. He said sorry.

All at once, you knew why you saw him walk up that path. You knew why you fell to the ground when he wasn't there. You knew why it was tonight you cried. You knew what had happened, but you didn't want to believe it.

You stupidly asked Roger what he meant. You didn't want him to be gone. You didn't want to be alone forever. Roger sighed and answered your question. Your fears have come true.

Even when Roger called your name, you ran. You ran off, you didn't care where. You just ran. You ran out the same door and you ran down the empty street. You didn't care if you slipped and fell. You just ran. Although you didn't know how, you reached the park. You slammed your back against the largest tree and you cried some more.

You saw him again, but this time you didn't run to him, because he was right there. You saw him standing over you, looking down at you as you lost your sanity. He has no emotion, and you looked at him, not wanting him to see you like this. Your eyes were blurred but you saw him clearly. The world around you dissolved, and this illusion was all you saw.

For the first time, you saw him smile. He smiled down at you. You heard his voice. He told you he's okay now. He told you not to worry. But you didn't want to believe the hallucination. You screamed at him to go away. You said you knew he didn't, and never will care. You told him you loved him, even though he barely ever looked your way. With your words, he faded in the storm. You knew this was the last time. This was over.

Roger found you again, but instead of keeping your cool, you lost it. You screamed when someone touched you. You called for Matt. You said you needed him. You said you wanted him. They locked you away, alone, by yourself, like you knew you'd be once he was gone.

You never realized how much you lost loving him. You cared about him instead of yourself. You watched him slip away, but you never noticed you yourself was disappearing as well. You lost yourself looking out for him, and you ended up with nothing, absolutely nothing. You lost him and you lost yourself.

Until your end, you never found yourself again. You never even tried to save yourself. You thought he was your only cure, but he wasn't. He never was. You lost your life, year after you lost yourself, all for the boy who didn't even care. He killed you slowly, when you thought he would be the solution. You never learned.

* * *

_Drabble? Oneshot? Take your pick._

**Who knew a simple crush could lead you to insanity? Oh wait, a lot of people**

_Hope you like! R&R!  
_

**_xoxo  
SammiE_**


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